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When Things Fall Apart: Disruption and What to Do About It

As we live life, sometimes things fall apart. Perhaps it’s a well laid plan. A hopeful dream. A piece of your identity. Some unexpected, disruptive change shows up in your world, despite your best efforts to avoid and prevent it. You certainly didn’t ask for this, and yet, you have to deal with it. 


What does one do? 


This blog post is about what to do when things fall apart, inspired in part by the book “When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times” by Pema Chöndrön. There’s a parable, some neuroscience, the wisdom of fellow members of Book Club, and three research-backed strategies to continue forward even when the ground is shifting. 


And if you’re directly impacted by disruptive politics or governmental disruption, I’m curating a leadership circle that’s part support group, part strategy lab, just for you. 


STORY: When things fall apart

READ MORE: Books, articles and podcasts to go further

BOOK STUFF: Talk about disruption… we’re reading Rewire or Retire: AI for Leaders!

GOING FURTHER: Enrollment for the Disruptive Change Leadership Circle closes October 15th!


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STORY: When things fall apart

There have been many times in my life when I was humming along the path of life, minding my business, and then, suddenly… infuriatingly… out of the blue… everything falls apart. 


Once, a $1.2 million grant that had been awarded was pulled out from under us. 


There was a time when I was undermined by the University's higher-ups. After spending more than a year tirelessly advocating for a new hire for the fledgling department I was leading, and then working overtime for months meticulously recruiting, interviewing, and ranking candidates, a University administrator erased all that work with the stroke of a pen. There was leading a school through COVID.


Disruptive change happens personally, too. Things fell apart when I was sexually assaulted my freshman year of college. There’s the way my heart shattered after a really bad romantic breakup. Or that unexpected, and life-threatening, pregnancy. 


Even just this summer, things have fallen apart in smaller, yet still significant ways: my grandmother’s passing, my firstborn heading to college, an anxiety-raising phone call from a family member, and a disastrous business meeting that went until 8 pm. 


What do you do when disruption arrives in the form of an unexpected obstacle suddenly blocking your path? 


My Book Club picked up Pema Chöndrön’s book, “When Things Fall Apart” and I learned a lot. The book made me think about our classic reactions to stress (fight, flight, freeze, fawn, etc.), and how our brains seek control in times of uncertainty, risk, and change. Human behavior naturally falls into very typical patterns when faced with disruption. It’s helpful to be able to recognize those patterns in ourselves and others.


Here’s a short little story to illustrate those very human patterns.


The Story of the Unexpected Mountain – a Parable

Once upon a time, there was a group of six adventurers on a Quest: they had to reach a faraway land in order to save the world. They had been traveling for nearly a month now, successfully fighting monsters and completing small side-quests along the way. 


They were walking along one blue-sky morning, minding their own business, not causing any trouble, when they heard the deep rumble of thunder followed by an earsplitting CRACK of lightning. The lightning bolt struck the road ahead of them, and suddenly, where once there was a nice, easy dirt road through rolling green hills, POOF, now there was a ginormous ice-capped mountain standing directly in their way. 


The path ended abruptly at the mountain, which went nearly straight up from there like a sheer granite wall, extending both to the left and the right for miles and miles. They could see several things near the end of the path and walked forward to investigate.


The first thing they noticed was a dark tunnel entrance, right where the path met the mountain. A sign was posted beside the tunnel:


Welcome to THE DARK! 

Inside this cave are terrifying monsters.

You may have to confront your blackest fears, shame and grief.

You may discover wonders beyond imagining. 

There’s no knowing what will happen if you come in. 

There’s no guarantee you’ll find your way out.

Those who enter will be forever changed.

You have been warned.


Upon seeing the sign, one adventurer in the group, a mighty soldier and swordsman named Fight, took his great sword in both hands and started to shout. “No fair! This isn’t right! DARK, whoever or whatever you are, you don’t scare me! Monsters, I demand you come out of there and fight me in the light!”


Another adventurer, a sneak-thief named Flight looked to the right and saw something in the trees. It was a tavern, and not just any tavern! There was a cocktail bar and a casino. Loud raucous music came from the windows. There was a training room full of equipment and weights. He even saw patrons staring into magical glowing screens with words like “YouTube”, “Facebook”, and “News” emblazoned across the top. “Hey, everyone! We should totally go into that tavern. We can figure out what to do next over some beers.”


The wizard in the group, a nervous, bookish ice mage named Freeze, stammered, “Um, I don’t know. This is really worrisome. We need to think this through. I might have some books that might help. Or perhaps we should investigate the root cause of this appearance. Or maybe… Um… I don’t know… It’s all just too much…” Freeze faded into silence, staring blankly at the sign, eyes glassy and frozen wide.


Another in your party, a cleric named Fawn, said, “This is clearly the work of the Gods or some DARK sorcerer. If we could just appease their wrath. Maybe we could make an offering of our treasure. We could humble ourselves and go into their service. If only we could make whoever did this happy, they’ll take the DARK and the mountain away.” Fawn went over to a little grassy patch on the left, away from the tavern, and began to take cleric stuff out from his pack.


Next came the adventurer named Fix, a superhero dressed in a colorful spandex leotard, a mask, and a flowing red cape. “I’ve got this! If you look closely at the mountain, there are handholds all the way up the cliff. I will climb up, lower a rope down, and pull you all up after me. We will go up and over. With my strength and smarts, I will save the day!” (See this blog post on the downsides of Fixing all the time.)


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Finally, there’s you, a regular human with no special powers and no magical gear. You read the sign again and recognize that everyone else is just looking for a way to avoid going into THE DARK. 


But what’s really in there? Monsters, emotions, discomfort, risk, uncertainty and change, and “wonders beyond imagining”.


You’ve already fought monsters and lived to tell the tale. You’re human who has emotions – that’s nothing new. You’ve traveled all this way in discomfort – what’s a little more? You’ve faced risk, uncertainty and change before – that’s just part of Life. 


What might those wonders be?


You say to the group, “Hey everyone, we are all adventurers. What is THE DARK if not an adventure? Instead of staying stuck here in fear or anger, instead of going to the side to escape or appease, or instead of putting all that effort into climbing up and over, what if we simply went through?” 


The Neurological Response to Disruption

Okay. Enough story. 


When our fallible human brains look into the dark tunnel of fear, disruption, risk, change, uncertainty, and discomfort, our amygdala lights up. This little almond-shaped piece of brain tissue deep in the underbelly of our brain is widely known as the “threat detector”, though it doesn’t only respond to threats. It also plays a role in recognizing and responding to rewards. It is involved in attention, decision-making, goal-seeking, and even reading the social landscape. The more accurate way to think of the amygdala is as a “not normal detector”, throwing up a flag when the situation is worse or better than anticipated. 


THE DARK is certainly not normal. The amygdala then tries to get things back to normal by recruiting the help of lots of other brain systems – our stress response system certainly, but also our rational thinking brain, our hormonal systems, and many more. 


The typical human patterns of Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, and Fix are all attempts to get back to normal that we began rehearsing and practicing from a very young age. As kids on the playground, something unexpected happens – we fall down or a ball gets snatched right out of our hands, causing the amygdala to send up a flag – and we pick one of those five prototypical behavior responses. The problem is that those patterns become ingrained. We get used to Fighting, Fleeing, Freezing, Fawning, or Fixing and what was once a safety strategy becomes normal. 


Now, if our amygdala thinks Fawning or Fixing is normal (as my brain did all through early adulthood), it takes a really DARK, really not-normal tunnel for us to realize something is amiss. 


Rewiring the Brain


The solution lies in the brain’s amazing capacity to learn and rewire itself, even in adulthood. You can retrain the brain to move through monsters, emotions, discomfort, risk, uncertainty and change without defaulting to Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, and Fix.


The rehearsed response doesn’t have to be the always response.


That’s what Pema Chöndrön talks about in “When Things Fall Apart”. She talks about bravely walking into THE DARK. She speaks of meditation as sitting with whatever is happening in the body or mind with open, non-judgemental curiosity, even when what’s happening is a big, yucky, painful thought or emotion. Notice it. Allow it to be there. Feel it fully without defaulting to our old patterns. Stay in the present moment with it. Let it change and shift as it will. No judgment. 


She says: “Reaching our limit is not some kind of punishment. It’s actually a sign of health that, when we meet the place where we are about to die, we feel fear and trembling. A further sign of health is that we don’t become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it’s time to stop struggling and look directly at what is threatening us.”


She tells a story about one of her teachers, Trungpa Rinpoche, talking to a class of fourth graders about his experiences escaping from Tibet into India. One of the kids asked him if he was ever afraid. Rinpoche told the story of how his teacher taught him to experiment with fear in safe, little ways, like going to a graveyard or approaching things he didn’t like. Those little experiments rewired his brain not to never feel fear, but to be able to face it head-on when it comes. Then he talked about the day he had to walk past a snarling guard dog with red eyes and huge teeth, spittle flying from its mouth as it struggled against its chain. Suddenly, the chain broke. All the other attendants screamed and froze, but Rinpoche faced the dog and charged straight at it. The dog was so startled, it turned tail and ran off whimpering. 


Thus, another path to rewiring your brain is to try safe, little experiments that let you stare into the DARK without trying to escape, without trying to Fight or Freeze or do any of our favorite patterns. Eventually, with enough safe little exposures, you teach your brain that risk, fear, uncertainty, change, and disruption don’t mean danger. Your brain learns that it can go through. 


With enough practice, the old patterns of Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, and Fix fall away. The brain gets rewired with a new pattern. Now, when risk and fear, change and disruption, suffering and pain arrive, the brain knows it’s inevitable that things fall apart now and then, and can embrace those moments as our greatest teacher. As Chöndrön says, “The next time there is no ground to stand on, don’t consider it an obstacle. Consider it a remarkable stroke of luck…. It’s our chance to realize that this mundane world is all there is, and we could see it with new eyes and at last wake up from our ancient sleep of preconceptions.” 


Three Practices to Help You Move Through THE DARK


1. Take a Pause

One of my Book Club people said that meditation and even a short pause in the middle of a busy day often allowed unexpected solutions or serenity to appear. In fact, she had two different acronyms of P-A-U-S-E: 

  1. Perhaps An Unexpected Solution Emerges

  2. Pause Action Until Serenity Emerges


Here’s the simplest meditation. Meditation 101. I’ve been practicing on and off for years, yet I’m still a beginner. But it really does feel good. If you’re interested in a guided version with my voice, reply to this newsletter and I’ll email an audio file to you. My treat!


Start with the out-breath. No need to change anything, just notice every time you breathe out. 


Out… Out… Out… 


When a thought or feeling comes up (as it inevitably will), let it. Notice it. Allow it to be there. Feel it fully without defaulting to old patterns. Stay in the present moment with it. Let it change and shift as it will. If there’s a gap between thoughts and feelings, a blank space, return to the out-breath. 


Out… Out… Out… 


If you catch yourself ruminating (rehashing and turning something from the past or future over and over in your mind), then label it “thinking”. Oh, there I go, thinking again. No judgment. It’s just what the brain does. Practice letting the thought go. Label it “thinking,” then gently return to the out-breath. 


Out… Out… Out… 


2. Try safe little experiments

Small exposures to disruption, risk, uncertainty, change, and/or fear give your brain a chance to learn new patterns in a safe, playful way. 


One thing that makes me fall apart is a disruptive change to a well-laid plan. Goodness, I hate that. So I practice exposing myself to little disruptions. I set a timer to remind myself to take a break mid-morning, getting away from my desk even if I’m in the middle of something. When my husband invites someone over for dinner at the last minute, I roll with it. When taking the kids home from school, I’ll take a side road through a new neighborhood, even if it’s not the most direct path. 


So what is the thing in THE DARK that triggers you? How might you teach your brain to move through it?


If it’s fear, go to a haunted house, ride a roller coaster, or hold a snake at the reptile store. 

If it’s risk, pick up skateboarding, get up and sing karaoke, or share an embarrassing story with a safe group of friends.  

If it’s uncertainty, choose your next movie from a list with a dice roll, improvise a meal from what’s in the fridge without a recipe, or pick your shirt from the closet with your eyes closed. 


These little playful experiments are ways to practice entering little tunnels to disrupt your rehearsed Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, or Fix patterns and practice a new pattern. Sometimes it feels good to do these little playful experiments with others. I do this with my leadership circles but you can do the same with a group of friends.


3. Befriend monsters 

Chöndrön says that chaos can become a friend and teacher; it’s not our enemy. “It’s like inviting what scares us to introduce itself and hang around for a while. As Milarepa sang to the monsters he found in his cave, ‘It is wonderful you demons came today. You must come again tomorrow. From time to time, we should converse.”


One of the commitments to conscious leadership is this: “I commit to seeing all people and circumstances as allies that are perfectly suited to help me learn the most important things for my growth.”  Indeed, chaos, trauma, and challenge can be one of life’s greatest teachers. 


While there’s been a lot of talk about post-traumatic depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, the real story should be about post-traumatic growth.  In the aftermath of life’s biggest challenges – devastating losses, adverse childhood experiences, poverty, violence, natural disasters – there’s the possibility of growth in the rebuilding. That’s the wonder that might be found inside THE DARK. The research points to changes like improved relationships, a new vision or purpose, a greater appreciation for life, enhanced inner strength and resilience, and spiritual development. In fact, post-traumatic growth is twice as common as post-traumatic stress, anxiety or depression: 50% as opposed to 22%!


What it requires is simply asking yourself, “What might this disruption be here to teach me?” with genuine curiosity, and remaining open and curious to whatever arises, even if nothing comes of it at all. 


Armed with these three practices – take a pause, try safe little experiments, and befriend monsters – re-read the sign and see it as an invitation.


Welcome to THE DARK! 

Inside this cave are terrifying monsters.

You may have to confront your blackest fears, shame and grief.

You may discover wonders beyond imagining. 

There’s no knowing what will happen if you come in. 

There’s no guarantee you’ll find your way out.

Those who enter will be forever changed.

You have been warned.


READ MORE: Books, articles and podcasts to go further

If this story resonated, if you’ve faced your own Unexpected Mountain or are standing at the edge of one now—here are some resources to help you move through THE DARK:


BOOK STUFF: Talk About Disruption…

Our Book Club is in THE DARK right now—but in the most expansive, hopeful way possible.

We’re reading Rewire or Retire: AI for Leaders, and let me tell you… this book doesn’t pull punches. It invites leaders to stare down a massive disruption—AI and the future of work—and decide who they want to be in the face of it. Not just in strategy, but in soul.


Just like the adventurers in the story, we’re being asked:

Do we fight the change? Flee from it? Freeze, fawn, or try to fix it all ourselves?


Or can we take a breath, gather our courage, and walk forward into the unknown—together?


GOING FURTHER: The Change Circle

If you're currently experiencing your own version of THE DARK—I invite you into the Disruptive Change Circle.


This circle is a nonpartisan space for mission-driven leaders who are directly affected by disruptive political forces.


This isn’t just support—it’s transformation. Not just coping—but growing. Not just surviving change—but becoming someone new because of it.


The Change Circle offers a safe, soulful space to practice tools from this post—pausing, experimenting, and befriending monsters—surrounded by a support circle of peers who get it, because they’re in it too. If you’re facing a mountain, standing at the entrance to your own tunnel, or watching an old identity fall apart—you’re not alone.


Let’s walk through THE DARK together.  Enrollment for the first circle is closing soon!

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