Cognitive Reappraisal

We’re all navigating change all the time. Sometimes it’s big and obvious, and sometimes it shows up more quietly but either way, it brings a certain amount of uncertainty. And when we find ourselves facing that uncertainty, our brains don’t just sit back and wait to see what happens next. They get to work, trying to make sense of it all.

STORY: Here’s what navigating uncertainty looked like for me recently

READ MORE: More regarding cognitive reappraisal 

BOOK STUFF: We’re meeting next Thursday April 30th 4-5PM pst if you are not yet registered to join us, do that HERE!

GOING FURTHER: If you’d like to explore this work more deeply, I’m offering a few free coaching sessions over the next few months, along with one opening for longer-term support.

STORY: What to do with uncertainty

I just visited my 18-year-old at college. I love stepping into his world – seeing his favorite study spots, a 3D model he designed, his dorm room. And as a mom, I worry when he talks about his stress and frustration and worries. 

As you might imagine, sending my son far away to school has been a BIG change for me. I’ve had to change how I see myself as a parent. When he was little, I was always right there. Now he’s 1,200 miles away, and I can no longer bring him soup when he’s sick or give a hug when he’s lonely. And he’s changing too—stepping into adulthood with big dreams and a credit card (gulp). We’re both in the middle of big changes.

What’s been fascinating (and, if I’m honest, a little exhausting) is watching what my brain does with big changes. Because when we look into an uncertain future where the only thing that’s guaranteed is change, our brains don’t sit back quietly. Brains are storytelling machines! They are constantly asking: Is this good or bad? Safe or dangerous? Will this go well or not? They make up stories. 

And because our brains are wired for survival, not happiness, their stories lean negative. Better safe than sorry.

So suddenly, without even trying, I’m in the land of negativity: “He’s stressed out and anxious. I didn’t prepare him enough. This is really hard.” 

None of those statements are facts. They feel real, but they’re interpretations—my brain trying to make sense of something it can’t control. The future. Psychologists call this “negativity bias”. As a result, the amygdala activates and tells your stress system to dump cortisol and adrenaline, which generate even more negative stories. Pretty soon I’m up at 3 am freaking out and catastrophizing: “OMG first it’s stress then it’s loneliness then an anxiety diagnosis then panic attacks then suicide! AGH!” 

Fortunately our brains also have a tool called “cognitive reappraisal”. This process is led by the prefrontal cortex, your brain’s more rational, emotionally intelligent, meaning-making area. Cognitive reappraisal slows things down so that the prefrontal cortex can look at the whole picture, not just the stressed out “better safe than sorry” story. 

Cognitive reappraisal is a core practice in one of the most well researched and validated forms of therapy: cognitive behavioral therapy. In the 1960’s, psychologist Aaron Beck noticed that “cognitive distortions” in the form of catastrophizing and black-and-white thinking could be reframed by pausing to evaluate the evidence and generate alternative stories. 

Of course, reframing and reappraisal isn’t just a modern day therapeutic tool. The Greek philosopher Epictetus said in 300BCE, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them.”

So how do you shift your views? Start by describing a situation in your life or leadership where you are facing change and uncertainty. How do you feel about it? Notice the physical sensations. Name any emotions. 

That’s your baseline.

Next, try these two cognitive reappraisal strategies. 

Separate Fact from Story

One of the simplest ways to practice cognitive reappraisal is to separate facts from stories. Facts are what a video camera would capture or a biosensor would monitor. Stories are everything else. So if I slow this moment with my son down, the facts are: He is 18. He lives in a dorm. He didn’t have plans with friends for the weekend. My pulse rate went up when he mentioned his stress and worry. Everything else, every judgment, prediction, or interpretation, is a story in my head. 

And when I name it that way (“the story in my head is…”) something shifts. There’s a little more space. A little less certainty that my first thought is the truth. 

From there, I can sort the facts into evidence for and against my story. For instance, take this story in my head “My son is anxious.” What’s the evidence FOR this story? Facts only. Well, he did use the words “I’m stressed out…” and “I’m worried about…” during our visit. He did not have plans with friends over the weekend. A few months ago he mentioned feeling “lonely” and “homesick”.

Okay. What’s the evidence AGAINST my story? He smiled and told lots of stories while we visited. He said “I’m excited about playing my new video games this weekend.” Later that afternoon he was going rock climbing with a friend. I observed a friendly interaction between him and his roommate. According to the largest survey of college freshmen, 66% report feeling lonely or homesick (aka my son is normal). 

If you want to make this part fun, imagine that you’re in court. You get to play both sides – the prosecuting attorney with a pile of evidence in support of the story AND the defending attorney with a pile of evidence poking holes in the story and showing just how wrong that story might be.

Flip the Story

Or I might flip my story around, to explore what else might be equally true. Choose one story that feels both deeply true and emotionally charged and write it down. Like “I didn’t prepare him enough.”

Now flip the meaning of that statement in every way you can think of. 

• “I DID prepare him enough.” 

• “I prepared him too much.”

• “He prepared himself enough.” 

• “He prepared ME enough.” 

• “I prepared myself enough.”

• “I didn’t prepare myself enough.”

  
  

For each flipped statement, try it on. How does it land? Which of the flipped statements are just as true or possibly truer than the original? Circle them.

Conclusion

Now how do you feel? Notice the physical sensations. Name any emotions. Is it any different than when you began?

My realization: Maybe this isn’t so hard. Maybe this is exactly what growing up—his and mine—looks like.

None of that erases the feeling that I miss him. I worry. I shed a tear after seeing him walk into class. But it softens the stories in my head… and that changes everything.

We’re all navigating change all the time—whether it’s sending a child to college, stepping into a new role at work, or sitting in uncertainty about the future. The stories will come. That’s just what our storytelling brains were designed to do. The practice is slowing down enough to get beyond the first story that shows up. 

READ MORE: Cognitive reappraisal

More about cognitive reappraisal as a technique can be found in this Psychology Today article.

And here’s a really cool video of Aaron Beck using cognitive reappraisal with a client.

Similar things happen when teams face change and uncertainty. You can try both techniques with your leadership team at a staff meeting: separating fact from story and flipping the script. If you want more tools for helping a team move through change and uncertainty, check out William Bridges’ work on transition management  or in my past blog post; Change is scary. Try a transition journey instead

BOOK STUFF:

Join us next week for the monthly Inquiring Minds Book Club Call, we’ve been reading The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work — Charles Feltman

We gather on zoom at 4pm pst to discuss the book and similar topics, you do not have to have read the book to join in the conversation either.  We’d love to have you , if you are not yet signed up for book club do that here! 

GOING FURTHER: Free 45 minute coaching sessions in May, June, and July

I’m in the process of getting certified as a 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership Coach and am giving away two FREE 45 minute sessions per month in May, June, and July. The catch: you must be willing to be video recorded so I can get feedback from my peers and mentors. First come, first served. Please reach out to Tessa if you’re interested tessa@irenesalter.com!

And if you want longer term support, I have ONE open seat for individual or team coaching. Openings don’t arise often anymore. I’d love to explore and see if we’re the right fit.