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Dear Money,

Have you ever had a moment where your mouth said one thing and your gut screamed another?


A few months ago, I was wrapping up a beautiful sample session with a potential new client. Everything was flowing. And then, when it came time to share my rates, out came the old ones. The ones I'd promised myself I'd retired.


What followed was a spiral — shame, justification, bargaining, and a lot of internal name-calling. And underneath all of it, one quiet question I didn't want to look at: What am I worth?


This post is about that. And more importantly, it's about three concrete tools I used to change my relationship with Money — not just think-feel my way through it, but actually change behavior. A letter I wrote. A class I taught. A spreadsheet I finally sat down with my husband to look at. And what happened when the next potential client emailed me asking about rates.


If you've ever undercharged, avoided a financial conversation, or heard yourself say "I'm not doing it for the money" when really — you kind of are — this one's for you



STORY: A spiral of shame, justification, and a question I didn't want to look at: What am I worth? Here's how I am changing my relationship with Money for good.

READ MORE: Three tools that actually moved the needle — a Dear Money letter, your Money Script, and a PhD seminar you probably don't want to be teaching

BOOK STUFF:This August we're reading Factfulness by Hans Rosling — join us to discuss on Thursday, August 27.

GOING FURTHER: A free Zoom this Thursday (Aug 6, 12–1 PM PDT) on the ROI of how you spend your time and energy — plus early enrollment for Work/Play CoLab is now open


The Problem with Money

“I am for sale.” That’s how I’ve felt about marketing and sales as a coach for many years.

The same story creeps into the heads of leaders in every industry. When you’re applying for jobs. When you’re asking for a raise. When you’re making a pitch to a major donation for your nonprofit or to a VC firm for funding. When you’ve finally made it to the C suite and then your spouse or sister or best friend says, “you’ve sold your soul for that big fat paycheck.” 


There’s something so tricky about our relationship to money. Underneath the thought, ”I am for sale.” is often the quiet question, “What am I worth?”


This all came to the forefront for me a few months ago when I was meeting with a potential new client. The sample session with her went beautifully, powerfully. The conversation naturally turned to what it might look like to work together. But instead of quoting her my new rates, out of my mouth popped the old ones, the ones I’d told myself in my head I’d never offer again. 


I fell into a spiral of disgust, shame, and desperation. "WTF Irene. You idiot. You picked new pricing. You set a firm floor... But I need the money. There’s a financial cliff looming… I love this client and it’s just me being nice... If I keep this up I’ll never retire. I’ll be a failure… Just go do some meditation. Drink a glass of wine and chill. It’s no big deal... But it IS a big deal…" Spiral spiral spiral. 


Enough. I needed to create a new relationship with Money. 


The Dear Money Letter

Money decisions aren't made purely cognitively, on a spreadsheet. That’s what financial journalist Morgan Housel explains in his bestselling book, the Psychology of Money. Our relationship to money is built through watching one’s parents navigate money, through early lessons with allowance and your first paycheck, dinner conversations, and hard life lessons. What should be purely analytical is scrambled together with emotion and identity.


I’d heard about a tool called a “Dear Money” letter a long time ago from a blog post I can no longer find. Essentially, you write a letter to Money as if it were a person. The strategy is a convergence of Pennebaker’s expressive-writing strategies + financial advising, therapy, and coaching. 


I picked up a pen and decided to try it.


One (of many) ways to structure a “Dear Money” letter includes talking about:

  1. Your history with Money

  2. The things you never said out loud

  3. The things you never owned up to

  4. The feelings you never felt all the way through

  5. The agreements you never kept

  6. Where you are now


Here’s the highlights version of what I wrote:


Dear Money,


Ugh. I really don’t want to talk to you right now but maybe it’ll help with the way I keep undercutting my rates.


Our History


I learned about you in elementary school with my allowance and then in my teens when my mom gave me a budget for the entire year for all things I would want her to buy for me. I thought $600 was so much money until I was out by the middle of summer.


That first experience taught me that you have ridiculous power over me unless I control you. So I learned to budget and watch my cash flow and pay bills early and monitor my credit score and invest and save. I got jobs with steady paychecks and pension plans – “an iron bread bowl” as my dad would say. With tight control, I had power over you.


But now, as a coach and entrepreneur, without that iron bread bowl, I've lost control. You have power over me again and I hate you for it.


Unsaids:


Most of the time, I ignore you. I avoid you. I just don’t want to have anything to do with you. You're in every news article, behind every ad, inside very store. You already rule the world and everyone in it. I don’t want to give you the satisfaction of ruling over me too. But the truth is, no matter how much I hide, I can't get away from you.


Unowned:


I complain and get all righteous and entitled but I know deep down that it’s not you who is claiming power over me, but me who is ceding my power and wisdom over to you. I’m not doing all the things I should be doing to create the clients I want. I never put my new rates down on paper. I end up blaming my parents for teaching me practical skills of accounting but never talking with me about what Money means and what relationship to have with you. And without practice talking about Money, I just don’t talk about you at all with anyone.


Unfelts:


The fact is: We have a kid in college and another going in 4 years. We’re not carefully following the financial plan we sat down with a planner to create years ago. I feel like I don’t have enough money saved. And all of that makes me scared, ashamed, and anxious. I feel my throat tighten like you are choking me. I can’t breathe. I want to cry and scream but can’t get air. And so I flee into busy distraction and purposeless doing. 


My business isn’t where I want it to be financially yet. That makes me sad. I wallow in a puddle of despair that I’ll never get there. When I let myself feel that, I collapse. I hide under the covers and don’t ever want to come out 


Unkepts:


I messed up payroll this month because I was avoiding the issue. I set aside work time each week for business development and financial planning but treat it as extra email catch up time. I make weak, vague intentions to deal with household bills once a week but the pile on my table is now over 3 weeks old. 


As I said, I ignore you. I avoid you. And resent the power I abdicate to you.


Where I’m now:


All this to say, F*#@ you. Who are you to hold such power over me? I can now see two psychological threats running underneath my beliefs — "there's not enough money out there" and "I'm not enough in here". No wonder I think I don’t have enough saved, question my worth, and silently think, “I am for sale.” No more. I’m done with that. You already own the world. I won’t let you own me.


Piss off, 

Irene


Money Scripts

Whew. The emotional release felt good, but even more than that, I could see my relationship to Money so much more clearly because it was right there on paper. Naming the threats (resource scarcity and identity threat) was particularly helpful to me. 

Another lens that might be helpful comes from Brad Klontz, a psychologist and certified financial planner who pioneered the field of financial therapy. He suggests that people often have one of four different “scripts” when it comes to money:


  • Money Avoidance — belief that money is bad, that people don't deserve money, or that wanting more is greedy. Often this shows up as underspending, self-sabotage, or discomfort with wealth even when it’s well-earned and hard-won.

  • Money Worship — belief that more money will solve problems and bring happiness, often paired with the sense that you never have quite enough, regardless of actual balance.

  • Money Status — self-worth is tied to net worth or possessions. Money and success are treated as equivalent.

  • Money Vigilance — alertness, watchfulness, and sometimes secrecy around money. This can be adaptive (frugality) or tip into anxiety and excessive control.

As you can probably tell, I fall squarely under “Money Vigilance” with a touch of “Money Avoidance”.


Teach The Class

But what do you DO to change the relationship with Money once and for all? Sure you can visit a financial planner, but that might not address the underlying psychological threats or scripts. 


I used a tool called “Teach The Class”. First, write down the core complaint. In my case: “I keep charging less than I’m worth”. That’s the result I’m getting. 


Then, imagine that you’re a professor hired by an Ivy League school to teach a masters seminar on how to get that result. Clearly, I’m an expert at charging less than I’m worth. What would the course outline be if I had a room full of eager students wanting to create that result for themselves? 


Here’s my PhD seminar on Charging Less Than You're Worth:

  1. Be fuzzy on what your pricing and packages are and offer lots of discounts. 

  2. Do not actually define your ideal client. Vague psychographics are fine.

  3. Give away your time and energy to lots of causes, activities, communities for free until it's second nature to not charge for your work.

  4. Anchor yourself low based on local market rates (here in my small rural town) not big city rates (where my clients actually live).

  5. Do not adjust your rates after you experience tremendous professional growth and become a WAY better coach. Stick to rates from 2022.

  6. Blame the economy, politics, and sexism rather than take responsibility.

  7. Blame your parents for everything that’s wrong with you.

  8. Avoid talking about money with the accountant, your husband, parents, friends, and clients.


Try it! It’s fun once you get into the exercise. 


And now I knew exactly what behaviors got me into this mess, and exactly which behaviors I could turn around to take my power back. I did three things. I had a talk with Jason (my husband) about our personal finances before we went on vacation and spent money. I wrote a comprehensive business plan with rates and numbers and shared that with my chief of operations. And I set aside time to get some coaching on how I blame others for my own money problems.


Another Real Life Test

Not long after I did those things, another potential new client emailed me. “Hi Irene. I wanted to know what your current rates are and what some options might be for more support." 


To be honest, I went into a mini-spiral. But because I’d done all that work – the Money Letter, Teach the Class, and actually doing some things about it – the mini-spiral only lasted five minutes.


I was able to respond to her this way: "My rate is $20,000 for 6 months or $30,000 for 12 months for private, sustained thought partnership. It is not hourly support. It is the work of someone who is ready to fundamentally level up how they live and lead. Thank you for giving me my first opportunity to share these new packages alongside the rationale behind it. It feels scary but really good to speak it into the world.”


I felt a little trembly and wet behind my eyes as I pushed send. The next day, I wrote a postscript to Money.


Hi Money, 


After doing a lot of work on and around you, I am much more clear now on who you are and what I want. You aren't after all a man with power over me like I've thought my whole life. You aren't scarce and limited. You don't and never have defined my worth. You're female (how did I never realize this before!), an equal, unlimited, and a friend. Now that I know that, I want a new relationship with you. I want to create an abundance of you in my life and in the lives of others I care about and support. I see that more of you in my life will expand my gifts and purpose in the world, and will expand my freedom and aliveness. I want us to expand the best of our power in the world together.


With gratitude, 

Irene


You now have all the tools I used to change your relationship with Money. You got this. And if you don’t got it, you know where to find me.


Read More

For a description of the Dear Money letter from a financial therapist, see this lovely article from Bari Tessler. For the science behind why expressive-writing works so well, here’s Pennebaker’s most accessible article. And for more on how to teach the class, see this from the Conscious Leadership Group.


I was talking with a financial planner about all this and he recommended a few books that are now on my “to read” list. (I haven’t read them myself yet…)



Book Stuff

Big news for Book Club: it's evolving! This August we're reading Factfulness by Hans Rosling — a book about why we're wrong about the world and how to see it more clearly. (Feels appropriate for a month about money and our own distorted narratives, no?) Join us to discuss on zoom, Thursday, August 27, 4pm PST


Starting in September, Book Club will transition to be inside the Work/Play CoLab community, where Tutti Taygerly and I will choose each month's book to match our theme or topic for that month. More on that below!


Going Further

This week, Tutti and I are hosting a free Zoom session that's a perfect companion to this post: Return on Intention: What's the ROI for how you spend your time and energy? If your time were money, would you be happy with your investment portfolio? Come find out. Thursday, August 6 | 12–1 PM PDT👉 Register free here


And if you want to keep building beyond that one hour — early enrollment for Work/Play CoLab opened this weekend. This is the collaborative community Tutti and I have been building: a space to make work feel less like a grind and more like something you actually want to show up for. Come take a look!

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